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Holy shite I was running late
Dab put me on the spot
Now I am RA, Casual's the hare
Did I mention, its effin hot?
Repeat after me
Bless this hare
Bless this trail
Big ass hoggus no chase us
Agressive wood folk no rape us
In the name of the flour
millions of love bugs and the holy run
Sept. 20, 2009
Summer Edition JRH3 Adventure Hash #4
Hare: Casual Friday
At high noon, wanks gathered at the “Hole in the Fence,” not to be confused with the “Hole in the Wall” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hole-in-the-Wall); though I will note that trail might have been easier for some wanks on horseback. Tall wanks were on little bikes and short wanks were on big bikes, spare helmets were given out while mass-pumping of tires and raising of seats ensued. With such an eclectic group of wankers and equipment, it was guaranteed to be an entertaining and adventurous hash!
Being the self-designated “sweep” I caught the trail action from behind (yeehaa!). As I pressed-on through trail for the second time and 32 pounds lighter than the first, I looked up from reading the roots in the dirt to see most wanks cycling towards me, which was not a good sign. Seems I forgot to school the pack to stay on the dirt trails and to take note that powder blops were spaced a bit wider than they are used to while hashing on foot. Thus, the pack turned around as Lost My Balls took off to range in the woods since he thought for sure I was lying. I might have lied in the past as a hare, but I didn’t this time. We never saw Balls or the rusty one-speed beach cruiser again; we figured the wild hogs got a hold of him and it made for a disturbing visual. The first gentlemen’s check (with a new “twist”) proved to be quite an attraction as Taint Tickler gave his best show as of yet; FaQ discovered she could barf and ride her bike at the same time and Just Andrew increased his pedaling rotations. I caught the end of the show and almost fell off my own bicycle; but I pressed forward to keep the pack moving. I do believe he took over the second gentlemen’s check and lined up the next performer for the third before the first harriette reached it. I am not sure if it was Taint’s performance that caused Virgin Renee to fall off her bike, or if the narrowly spaced trees played a part of her face plant; we’ll blame Taint as I am sure that’s what he would have wanted us to think. I had to laugh as most hashers followed Taint down a bad trail; while Ed the Sock, GRC and Dabadoo chose the right path to continue on true trail. Being the sweep, I stood by the decision point and waived as the pack retraced themselves through the gentlemen’s check to true trail. A few words were muttered from the pack of which I pretended not to hear and won’t repeat at this time. After I scrambled to change a few trail signs before the pack reached the point of trail cross-over, the pack made it to the beer stop despite the group's extreme wind sucking.
All water from the beer van was poured over each other’s heads, deep-body massages were given, 1,000 mg ibuprofen was doled out, and the pack resumed the ride for the second, and longer half of the adventure trail. So far so good, only one face plant, nobody was hurt and all bikes were in working order with just 4 miles under our belts. As I slung the 169-pound travelling bar backpack on the posterior of my scrawny spine, I made sure the wankers crossed over Morris Bridge Road safely. The next section of trail brought us through an additional 169 gentlemen checks and a few scenic lakes. Taint Tickler did not make it through this section of trail as his old man body flattened the borrowed bicycle he was riding and he had to walk what was left of the bike and the FRB chain back to the beer stop to eat some humble pie. As I broke out of the woods and the champagne stop was just a few yards ahead, I expected some grumbling from the pack as they waited for the champagne I was humping on my herniated disk-ridden back; and I got it. I immediately requested the first three wanks to pop open the champagne bottles and start pouring; Just Robert won the “most impressive popping” award as his went into the water from 169 yards. HPV donned the backpack cooler to wear over his head in a desperate attempt to cool-down the extreme steam-heat that radiated from his cranium. The sparkling wine was downed in .69 seconds flat, and I know now that 3 bottles was not enough as the pack begged for more. I suppose if More Sex didn’t Bogart a full bottle, the pack would have been less whiney about wanting more bubbly. Kudos go to Ed the Sock and Goo Light Special, as they took the extra mileage on trail behind door #2. Sextra credit also went to Just Robert who put the backpack full of empty bottles and cups on his back for the return trip, of which the entire pack with the exception of Just Robert and Just Andrew (and the sweep!) short-cutted ¾ of the remainder of trail. I will offer sextra credit to Rectal Roommate as well, since he had gone above and beyond to clear the final gentlemen’s check for Math Sucks Let’s F*ck (or is it “Math Sucks Sluts F*ck”?) and her mom, Virgin Renee.
I had never seen so many wankers sitting down at circle in my nine years of hashing! For the first time in my life, the pack voted “yes” to allowing sitting down in circle; what a bunch of pansy wankers, and you all know who you are! I think Just Robert, Rectal Roommate, Math Sucks, Virgin Renee, Ed the Sock, Taint Tickler and I were the only ones left standing. Sextra credit went to Rectal again for being the only one with enough balls to vote thumbs-down for a perfect trail; I then revoked my prior offer to buy him a beer at the on-afters. Virgin Renee entertained us with a quick joke while she renamed her daughter, we honored many multi-cummers who had to get off their duffs to get in circle, FaQ received her headband for 10 hashes, and I sported a new headband for 100. Through tears over the agony of defeat, Taint passed the FRB chain to Lost My Balls who broke loose from the wild hogs just in time to short-cut to finish. Goo Light Special drank for cumming late, and I managed to get most wanks out of their camping chairs with a group down-down for lack of hash gear, lack of awards, and lack of whistles. Heck, I wasn’t about to be the only wanker standing up! Taint was the only nominee for the brainless award on so many levels, so I gave up trying to keep track. He sang himself a song of his lust for the hot salami and made us wait 1,069 minutes while he chewed on his balls. A few accusations flew around circle, and Taint Tickler was crowned Jolly Roger H3’s new Song Meister. I can hardly wait what else he’ll dig up for us to sing about at next circle.
I was proud of the pack for getting off their bruised buns long–enough to sing swing low and get a piece.
Jolly Roger H3
of the Tampa Bay Metro Area
Special Addition, Summer Adventure #4
Off Road Bicycling Hash (Bash)
Sunday, September 20th, 2009
Please RSVP so we will know how much beverage to have at the beverage stop!
Where: Meet at the Hole In The Fence Trail Head, at Morris Bridge Park. It's where we met for the Fe-Fu's birthday hash.
From I-4 & I-275, in Central Tampa:
From Wesley Chapel, to the north:
From Brandon, to the south:
From Carrollwood, to the west:
Who's Coming So Far: