Wankers in every size and in every level of sobriety, showed up with their paddles ready for action. We had virgins of the hash as well as virgins of the paddle; it was a trail to beat all trails! Wankers loaded their boats like they’ve done this before; and pre-circle commenced with Tape Talk and a blessing of the loan rogue hare. Little did we know, with this pack the hare’s mischievousness would not be the only entertaining opportunity on trail.

ON-OUT: Boats of all colors were pushed off the ramp and headed north on the river; which included many kayaks, one very long canoe and one blow up raft for 2, knick-named the “SS Balls.” Within the first 100 yards there was a decision point where wankers could turn left into alligator alley or head straight north. As the hare and the sweep, I panicked when it looked like the over-filled SS Balls (4 wankers) was about to head down the bad trail (Trout Creek) to chum the water with themselves. They had no idea the 9+ footers reside down there. Luck had it, someone flashed her boobies and the raft head up the river spinning in circles and avoided the certain death of a blow up raft stuck in the clenched jaw of Wally Gator and his beefy pals. A good many kayaks head down Trout Creek to check out the bad trail, not finding any gators but plenty of wanking kayaks stuck in trees. After 20 minutes on the bad trail, we re-entered the main river and the SS Balls had travelled 10 yards, still spinning. Its crew had a very long hash trail ahead of them with their feet in the air and Lost My Balls’ head hanging off the back end of the raft teasing the Cottonmouth snakes below. Wankers’ kayaks descended upon the paddling space of the 69-foot canoe, which needed a good 50-yard diameter of travelling space as the wankers where stuck in a zig-zag pattern; and it was every kayaker for herself! I will attest to turning by head a few times to see the corner of the red kayak heading for my temple at ramming speed which made me drop my beer, every dang time. Rectal Roommate and Fa-Q were the Adventure Hash #3 Bobbsey Twins as they matched with their yellow/green kayak/t-shirt Garanimals ensemble. Throughout the trail there were many battles, similar to the Druids fighting the Romans, and just as bloody! Taint Tickler thought he had a secret weapon as his kayak seemed a bit faster than the last one he rented for Adventure Hash #1; so he figured he was going to win this time. He was hell-bent on ramming all kayaks in his way so he could be FRB, however he forgot to account for his 1,069-foot kayak catching the current like a sail catches the high winds of a hurricane. Taint lost ground by getting stuck in trees, as many times as his young Virgin Erik reached for a beer on trail. GatorAte My Penis and his Virgin Matt battled up and down the river, it was like watching two 6-year old boys playing King of the Mountain, but with beer, kayaks and shiggy. I’ve gotta give Just Matt credit, he made a beer holder out of his Crock (shoe); I think all Crocks should get off of human feet and onto the bottoms of beer cans where they belong, but I digress. True trail at Mile 1 was eventful as Taint dismounted to pee and scared away 100+ vultures from their own little beach. He then got stuck in his boat on their home turf and the vultures started to circle. Somewhere down the line we lost track of the SS Balls and the 169-foot canoe, they were probably zig-zagging and paddling circles around each other somewhere. Once again, Taint took his virgin down a bad trail and got himself stuck; his 1,069-foot long canoe could not turn around in a 6-foot wide creek, especially while the current had him pinned to the tree that had fallen over the water-way. His virgin left him behind which was the best call he made all day. We also lost track of Dick Fibrillater; we assumed he was busy herding a canoe and a blow up raft to safety. As champagne bottles were passed around, wankers paddled through shiggy and ladies’ checks. I ignored grumblings of wankers who were concerned about package checks placed in a bad trail; work with me fellas! There’s only so much you can do on a straight-a-way! I did appreciate the bare-butted aerial flips executed by Virgin Erik, I’d swear he practiced this with his pants down to his knees at home in front of the mirror; I gave him a rating of 9.85. When he sat down to pull his pants up and thank the judges, he fell into the water.

We descended upon the small boat landing also known as the hash halt/beer & lunch stop; as we were starving and thirsty for more beer. Taint frightened other recreational boaters as he stood up in his boat and his pants fell down to his ankles. Screams were heard from strangers as well as hashers, as everybody suddenly looked down to the ground; no more need be said about that. Sandwiches were eaten and musical boats was played as we wondered what part of the river the SS Balls and its crew were. We waited for the 169-foot long canoe to show up; and it snuck up behind us! I have no idea how the hell those two zig-zagged their way to a back-door entrance on a straight-away river! We assumed we would run into what was left of the wanking rafters on the way back to start/finish, so head back down the river.

Where’s My Goat forged ahead to drop beers from a fallen tree into wankers boats, which was also an impromptu hash halt as kayaks stacked up on the side of the river due to the current pushing them into each other from beneath the tree. The vultures were back on their self-designated beach as Just Matt swamped Gator. The vultures watched closely as Gator attempted 69 times to load himself back into the kayak. We all got a good laugh watching him bail out his boat with his hands for the next mile while he was hooked up to Nauti Call Girl’s tug boat (“will tow for sexual favors”).

CIRCLE UP: Back at the start/finish, wanks put boats up on cars with the greatest of speed. The SS Balls was deflated, most of the crew had gone home and Captain Lost stuck around to tell us he was bailing on circle to go swing dancing. We knew it was his excuse to avoid getting the brainless for launching a blow-up raft and filling it beyond capacity without any life jackets in a river known for its gator population. Trail commenced and GRC complained there wasn’t enough sandwiches (she only made 69 of them). Taint complained there wasn’t enough Ladies’ checks, as he always does. Three virgins entertained us as we lost 2 virgins from the SS Balls’ 369-hour tour. While there was a race between Gator and Just Matt, Virgin Erik won the FRB award. Just Danny and Bang Her In Da Woods blew their new whistles, and Goat got his 100 hash head band award which saw the inside of More Sex’s swamp-ass-crack. Just Danny received the brainless award as he was the captain of the 169-foot canoe; he took the blame for the ballast losing her iPhone and her camera to the river water Gods (she was not there to claim it herself). Dab was accused of leaving his beverages in GRC’s boat and chasing her down during the entire trail. However, if I listed all the accusations on trail you’d be reading another two pages, so I’ll leave it as saying we had two phases of accusation down-downs.

CasualFriday

Jolly Roger H3
of the Tampa Bay Metro Area
Runs #488
Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
Special Addition, Summer Adventure #3
Paddling Hash (RSVP Requested):

• What: This is a 7 mile kayak and/or canoe paddling hash. There will be an A to A preset trail in the water using toilet paper and other marking materials along the shore and various items along the water way with one beverage stops and lunch.

• Where: Meet at Trout Creek Wilderness Park Boat Ramp, located at 12500 Morris Bridge Rd, in Thonotosassa, FL 33592 (just east of I-75 off Fletcher/Morris Bridge Rd).

• When: Meet at 11:30 AM for happy hour and on trail at 12:30 PMish (please note the earlier start time).

• Directions: Click here for a map.

  • From I-4 & I-275, in Central Tampa: Go west on I-4, north on I-75, right or east on Fletcher (Fletcher becomes Morris Bridge Road) for about .3 miles and find the entrance to the Trout Creek Wilderness Park on the left.

  • From Wesley Chapel, to the north: Go south on I-75, from Hwy 54, for 12.4 miles. Go left, or east on Fletcher (Fletcher becomes Morris Bridge Road) for about .3 miles and find the entrance to the Trout Creek Wilderness Park on the left.

  • From Brandon, to the south: Go north on I-75, from Hwy 60 for 9.5 miles. Go right, or east on Fletcher (Fletcher becomes Morris Bridge Road) for about .3 miles and find the entrance to the Trout Creek Wilderness Park on the left.

  • From Lakeland, to the east: Go east on I-4, north on I-75, right, or east on Fletcher (Fletcher becomes Morris Bridge Road) for about .3 miles and find the entrance to the Trout Creek Wilderness Park on the left.

  • From Carrollwood, to the west: Go west Fetcher, from Dale Mabry Hwy, for about 9.8 miles (Fletcher becomes Morris Bridge Road after I-75) and find the entrance to the Trout Creek Wilderness Park on the left.

• Remarks: You must BYOK/C (Bring Your Own Kayak/Canoe). Beer (cans and draft), bottled water, ice and lunch (sandwiches & chips) will be provided by the Jolly Roger H3. There will be a beverage stop at the half way point where we will eat lunch. The 1st part of trail will be upstream and takes about 2.5 hours. If you are only going to paddle half of this trip and then let someone else use your kayak/canoe for the second part, starting at the beverage stop, make sure the stronger/more experienced paddler paddles the first part. The second part is down stream and takes about 1.5 hours to complete. Please contact me privately at dab@jollyrogerh3.com, by email, or at 813-943-4855, by telephone, to find out where the beverage stop location will be so you will know where to meet the pack there around 2:00 PM.

• Beverages Along The Way: Suggest you bring a tiny cooler along with you and grab at least two beverages from the beer truck for the 1st part of trail and at least 2 more for the 2nd part of trail. 

• Bug Spray & Sun Block: Make sure you bring it and use it!

• Cameras, Kids & Pets: Suggest you bring your cameras as the scenery is beautiful. There is also a good chance you will see alligators on trail. For this reason, please leave all family pets and small children at home; no need to accidentally chum the water with Junior or Fido.

• Kayak Rentals: If you are in need of a canoe/kayak rental  suggest USF boat rentals (if you are a student or faculty) or MacDill AFB (if you have privileges), as they are the cheapest. If  you are connectionless, there is still hope! Canoe Escape is very close to the start location (Trout Creek). They are located at 9335 E Fowler Ave, in Tampa. Their phone number and website are 813-986-2067 and http://www.canoeescape.com respectively. Or, you might only want to do half the trip and use someone's kayak/canoe at the half way point/beer stop/lunch stop. One way or another, you need to figure out a way to attend!

• Note: There will be a full hash circles at the start and at the end of trail, both of which will be back at the start.

• Hare: CasualFriday will be our hare and tour guide.

• Donation: We will be asking for an $8 donation, which includes beverages and lunch.

• Park Fee: There is a  $1 voluntary contribution to enter the park.

• On After: The on after will be at Gator's Dockside Tampa, located at 5840 Fowler Ave. To get there from the starting location, go right, or west on Morris Bridge Road/Fletcher for .7 miles, left, or south on I-75 for .6 miles, right, or west on Fowler, at Exit 265, for 2.6 miles and find Gator's on the right.

• RSVP: Please let us know if you plan to attend and whether you want a couple of baloney and cheese sandwiches, or a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or one of each. If you do not specify, the bread will be wheat and you will get one of each.

• Who's Coming So Far: Click here to see who's coming so far.