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says she’s a virgin, yeah right
But she did laid her first trail this night
She and Both make some pair
Wish we were on live hare
When we’d catch them they’d put up a fight
Bless these hares
Bless this trail
Rainus no soak us
Coppus no catch us
Heatus no stroke us
In the name of
And The Holy
H3 Hash Trash
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Hares : Toast Her Oven and Lost My Balls
Every great trail starts with great planning. So in the spirit of great planning, Toast Her Oven and I set off to lay a trail that I had never seen, never talked to her about, and didn’t even know I was laying until a frantic text message at around 5 PM that day. As expected anytime I am involved in a ‘laying’ with a lesbian, it is probably going to be a dead one.
We arrived at the start location separately. She popped out of her vehicle wearing a Tu-Tu so incredible that Billy Mays himself wouldn’t have been able to clean the GOO that was left in my pants.
As we set out to lay the perfect virgin trail, Toast was given the mission to lay the main trail utilizing a map that was given to her by I’ll Take ‘Em Both. I was sent off to create mass confusion with numerous TIT checks and dead trails. We soon began to realize that following a large map, with clearly defined street names was an impossible task… for Toast… As I came up from the rear (snicker), I attempted to locate Toast. Unfortunately as I went down road after road in an apparent zig zagging flour maze of terror I began to realize that Toast wasn’t laying trail, she was laying prayers that the Mapquest gods would come down and whisk her in the right direction. In fact, I am pretty sure she made so much confused movement that there are astronauts that are looking down to see the world’s largest tit check. Apparently I didn’t tell her that when lost you stop laying trail, figure it out, then start laying again… but I commend her dedication to continuous trail plopping no matter how lost she was.
After finishing trail, we came back to meet up with the group just in time for a quick circle. Shot was there, this time with his zipper up. Saigon got chained up. And derby girl virgins were aplenty. Everyone was gorgeous in their Tu-Tus and the pack was ON OUT.
As the runners blasted ahead of the walkers, mass chaos started almost immediately as the majority of the group took one of the first of the dead trails. This dead trail would prove a closer trip to Boston than to the actual beer stop. As the runners figured out trail and met back up with the walkers, dozens of onlookers pointed as the TuTu tornado blazed through.
Staying back with the walkers, I began to realize this trail wasn’t going to be like the rest. This group of walkers was so dedicated to the craft of walking that I am pretty sure several years lapsed before we ever reached the beer stop. This wasn’t like a typical trail however, because the walkers were the ones with all the best tit checks. With each and every check, swarms of ladies would convince everyone around to solve trail… time and time again… and when I say SWARMS, I mean there were so many boobs that I felt like I was being attacking by Nipple Hornets.
It was at some point during the festival of nipples that Rectal was apparently fucked so hard on trail that his future babies and their kids felt it. Fortunately, this fucking didn’t cause the same injuries that were received by Dead Man Cumming when he got his ass kicked by a non-shiggy trail after tripping over a curb that one could only assume magically appeared as if some trail-wizard conjured it up just as his toe reached that point.
Upon reaching the beer stop several of the runners had finished novels, started businesses, raised their families, and retired from working altogether. The walkers in great walker fashion continued this death march to the beer with a twenty minute party in the parking lot even after the beer and runners were gone. In order to commemorate the party at the beer stop yet another party was held at the next tit check where we enjoyed yet another mass display of mass boob showing. Yet another party because it had been too long since the last party was then held and I am pretty sure there were parties to celebrate the concept of having a party for the sake of partying. All of these parties were of course captured on camera by people that were probably too drunk to realize they never inserted the batteries in the first place.
Needless to say we found ourselves at circle so long after the runners that they had already begun digging their graves and tossing themselves in. The runners were surprised to see everyone, including two girls that we hashnapped during the voyage. In typical Shot fashion, he immediately befriended these girls to the point that they were discovered walking his dog, applying lotion, and muttering something about getting ‘the hose’ again.
Circle – Up (The Quick Version)
The virgins were rounded up. They told shitty jokes that everyone knew. Someone did a cartwheel on skates. Tattoo booed as no tits were shown even though this same group was tossing around tits like a clown in a juggling competition on trail. The trail was shitty as always. Gator disappointed his family yet another week as he failed to regain his crown as the Front Running Bastard. Someone else won it, I am sure everyone rejoiced… and then some drinking occurred. Toaster and I grabbed the brainless for being nothing less than brainless, I assume. Then some more drinking occurred…. We put our pots on the floor, sang a little, and disappeared to yet another place that I can’t remember the name of.
Jolly Roger H3
of the Tampa Bay Metro Area
ToatHerOven's XXX B-Day, TU TU Hash
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
From Clearwater, to the north:
From I-275 & I-75, near Bradenton, to the south:
Theme: This will be ToastHerOven's XXX (30th) Birthday hash. It will also be a Tu Tu (22) hash since it lands on the 22nd day of the month. So, everyone is encouraged to wear at tu tu.